Therapists and sleep scientists say it’s OK for couples to sleep apart, a reversal of a long-held marriage tenet
3 min
Ever tried to get a good night’s sleep with your partner snoring or tossing around restlessly next to you?
You’re gonna like this: Therapists and sleep scientists say it’s OK for couples to sleep apart as a growing body of research shows the striking importance of sleep. It’s a reversal from the long-held marriage tenet that once partners move to separate beds, the romance is dead.
Sleep is “essential for a healthy body, mind and relationship,” says Wendy Troxel, clinical psychologist, sleep scientist at Rand and author of a book on couples sleeping. “It’s important to prioritise it.”
Therapists have a caveat. If you and your partner do move to separate beds, you need to find a way to continue to be intimate, both emotionally and physically. Co-sleeping provides important benefits for a couple, such as emotional closeness and opportunities for cuddling, sex and conversation. Partners who sleep well together should stick with it.
In the beginning of their marriage, Mark and Paula White shared the same bed. But neither of them was getting a good night’s rest. Paula is a night owl who keeps the TV on, even when she’s asleep. Mark keeps a fan running at the foot of the bed and happily wakes up at 3 a.m.
Once, he flipped over in his sleep and accidentally punched her in the face. Another time, his snoring and “garlicky breath” made her snap and scream: “I can’t breathe! You’re taking my air!”
That was 32 years ago. Since then, the Whites have mostly slept in separate rooms, even choosing separate beds on vacation.
“We’re better people and we have a better relationship because we get better sleep,” says Paula, 60, a business owner in New Albany, Ohio.
When we sleep well, we stave off a host of physical- and mental-health problems, such as diabetes, hypertension and depression. Our relationships improve, because we’re less irritable, less frustrated, and better at communication and problem-solving. When we’re cranky, we tend to take it out on the person closest to us.
Better sleep can boost our sex lives, too. One of the main reasons couples stop having sex is because they’re too damn exhausted.
“This is why couples say one of their most satisfying sexual experiences is when they go on vacation,” says Sari Cooper, a certified sex and couples therapist in New York. “They get time to rest.”
Here’s how psychologists suggest you can successfully sleep apart.
Don’t stomp off out of bed. It could make your partner feel rejected. Both people need to be OK with the arrangement for it to work.
Choose a time when you are both well-rested. Don’t talk about this in the bedroom.
Ask your partner: Are you sleeping OK? Explain that you want both of you to sleep well. Be reassuring that this is about sleep and not attraction.
Don’t blame. Use “I” instead of “you.” Try: “I get cold at night,” not “you are a blanket hog.”
Keep it targeted. This isn’t the time to talk about everything wrong in your relationship. “Stay focused on how you can be a better partner if you are better slept,” Rand’s Troxel says.
This doesn’t have to be a full-time arrangement. You can sleep apart during the workweek, or take a break when one person is in a bout of insomnia.
This temporary approach is especially helpful when one partner wants to sleep apart and one doesn’t, Troxel says.
When you sleep in separate beds, there are fewer opportunities for spontaneous sex or even just snuggling. “You need to be intentional about creating the seduction, flirtation and planning to make it happen,” says Cooper, the sex therapist.
Pick a day when you know you will be most relaxed and plan to go to bed an hour earlier. (You’ll want energy!) Build the anticipation beforehand. Send a flirty text or leave a note on your partner’s bed.
And remember: Not all intimacy has to be sexual.
Cuddle. Watch a movie. Engage in pillow talk. Then say good night and head off to your separate beds.
“You can shoot for the best of both worlds: time awake in bed together and good sleep,” says Zlatan Krizan, a certified sleep scientist and professor of psychology at Iowa State University.
The Whites, who have been married 33 years, sometimes watch a movie in bed and snuggle. When they want to be intimate, they plan a date night or simply visit each other’s bedroom. Sometimes Paula tells her husband, “I’ll leave the red light on for you tonight.” Both spouses say sex is more pleasurable now because they aren’t so tired and tense.
They have one bedtime ritual they never skip, though. They go upstairs together, kneel on each side of Paula’s bed, and say their prayers. Then they kiss good night and head off to their own rooms.
“Now, when we’re together, we know it’s going to be quality time,” Mark, 61, says.
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The grand estate custom built for the Bulls legend has been on the market for 12 years
2 min
Michael Jordan has found a buyer for his Chicago estate after more than 12 years.
The 7-acre compound, custom built for the basketball legend in the ’90s in the area’s Highland Park suburb, first hit the market in 2012 asking $29 million. By 2015, the price on the nine-bedroom home was reduced to $14.855 million—the digits of which add up to 23, Jordan’s jersey number—and it’s remained at that price ever since.
Spanning over 32,000 square feet on Point Lane, the home reflects the larger-than-lifeness of its owner, with 19 bathrooms, five fireplaces, a regulation-sized basketball court, a massive weight room where Jordan used to train, and a built-in aquarium, according to the Wall Street Journal.
The sale was first reported by Crain’s Chicago Business.
Outside the home, there is a tennis court, a putting green and a circular infinity pool with its own island, accessible by a small bridge. There are plenty of circular touches throughout, including a round skylight above a circular eat-in kitchen, an arched wine cellar and a circular sitting room with views directly onto the basketball court.
A large lounge area that was once an indoor pool includes glass sliding walls on either side that can open up completely during Chicago’s milder months.
Other unique features include doors from the original Playboy Mansion, a three-bedroom guesthouse and the number 23 emblazoned on the front gate.
Compass agent Katherine Malkin, who is marketing the property, confirmed the pending sale to The Athletic. Malkin did not respond to a request for comment, and the buyer and price were not immediately available. Jordan could not immediately be reached for comment.
It’s unlikely to exceed the asking price. A year after the home first hit the market in 2012, Jordan decided to sell via auction, but the home failed to even meet the reserve bid of $13 million. Despite the lack of movement, Jordan has not dropped the asking price any further since 2015.
Homes in Highland Park, a wealthy suburb of Chicago can fetch upward of $5 million, but Jordan’s home has been the priciest option on the market for a long time. Fellow Chicago Bulls legend Scottie Pippen sold a nearby home in 2023 after a five-year wait. That home, which Pippen bought for $2.6 million in 2004, sold for $1.7 million two decades later, according to Realtor.com.
It seems that despite the home court advantage, this is one game that Jordan has not been able to win.
